End of my pregnancy. This one will be about pain and contraction and anxiety and confusion. I carried my baby girl for 40 weeks and she wasn’t ready to pop out.
More than me , my friends and family had lost the patience. Everyone was eagerly waiting for her even though they had not experienced sleepless nights like me – all thanks to my huge belly. On the other hand, I was in a dilemma, how will I handle her once she is out. Should I pray for more sleepless nights carrying her inside me? or should I pray for sleepless nights holding her in my arms? In short no sleep in future.
My doctor made the decision easy. She did a membrane sweep to induce labor as I was overweight and instructed me for an epidural whenever I go into labor.
So I was in labour with no shouting and howling in pain. My doctor had an image of me that I have no pain threshold and will be pulling my husband’s hair and punching him hard whenever I get contractions. Everyone in my family had an impression that I’ll behave like ‘Rachel from the tv series FRIENDS.’
Indian families don’t get along with the current generation. They firmly believe that their children are stupid and know nothing as they are not experienced enough in life. My aunt was waiting for me to bring the house down through my howling, so that then she could record my miserable crying pictures. My family wasn’t ready to take me to the hospital just because I wasn’t in tears or bursting in pain or rather say, was not in a state as they expected me to be in.
After having a bloody show, I decided to go against my family and went to hospital. CTG machine recorded my pains as 9/150 and my husband told me that “darling you are not in labor” , and replayed doctor’s words that you don’t have the threshold for pain – as if he had delivered zillion babies. I was in severe pain and I was sure that I would die in getting this baby out. I compelled and made sure my CTG machine was hooked again. Guess what? The nurse had hooked me up wrong the first time and I was in severe pain up to 95 level. Not 9 but 95. I was already 5 cm dilated. If left on my family, I would have delivered the baby at home, under the supervision of unskilled , self-acclaimed midwives. Thanks to my adamant nature – I was in safe hands just in time.
The nurse guided me right , I was having contractions 3 mins apart. She immediately suggested for an epidural, which I took as advised by my doctor and husband. But only my lower left abdomen went numb. I was still feeling the contractions on the right side as the CTG read 127. After 3-4 hours of labor, lot of insertions through instruments and hands, it was finally time to push. Everyone is breathing heavily and moving around rapidly. My Husband was holding my numb left leg and harmonising with doctor and nurse – push , push , yes now push. Something heavy came on my chest. I was so busy pushing didn’t realise she was out and like an idiot, I asked my husband what’s on my chest? It just clicked to me oh she is here.
My husband was jumping like Charlie Chaplin and left me alone in the labor room. I was scared and furious both at the same time. Scared as doctor fixed me for 1 hour down there and furious -because my husband left me alone in labor room.So how I felt about my pregnancy and delivery?? Major hormonal fuck ups – I loved my husband like crazy during my pregnancy and fought with him like a maniac after delivery.
Having a baby is not easy. It the most difficult experience of my life so far. I always felt that a female never grows up. She is always a little child inside, loved by her parents and husband and pampered like a baby. She cries when upset and jump’s out of joy when happy. But Now, that very female is no more a child or focus of someone’s life, it’s all about that other little bundle of joy. She needs to take care and not be taken care of. It’s about baby’s cries and midnight feeds. It about baby’s weight gain and not about her looks or pain. It’s impossible to explain in words what women loose to be a mother.
Everything is too new to me. I am still floating in the thoughts of being a mother. Someone very soon will call me “Ma”. The feeling itself is overwhelming.